We’ve heard about the mommy wars, but beyond the working and breastfeeding battles lay the day-to-day critiques many moms experience. It’s mom shaming. Below, our editor Katie challenges us to evaluate the judgments we moms often see or make. What would you add?
Mom Shaming is everywhere. It’s physical. It’s mental. It’s all over the internet. It’s even within friendships. Blogger “RenegadeMama” recently wrote a manifesto to rid her mom-friendships of drama. No BS, was her MO, and she made promises like, “When you get pissed at your husband, I will agree he is the most sorry ___ to ever walk the planet and we shall plan for the day when we live on an all-female commune with organic produce, llamas and wool spinning-wheels. And redwood trees. And the ocean… Even if you’re clearly the ____.”
It was awesome. And relatable.
But let’s back up a step. Drama happens before we even let anyone in the door. We all know people who judge based on how our kids are dressed, what type of car we’re driving, if we work or not.. the list goes on. It’s the everyday mommy wars — on steroids.
No one is innocent here. We’ve all been judged and passed judgments. But it has to stop. No-Drama friendships can only happen if we take a no-drama stance on who our friends are. And that means overall kindness.
We’ve got to lay down our mean jibes and throw our sideways scowls out the door. We have too much drama in our own houses to extend it to our playgroups. Let’s agree that unless you hurt my kids or me, this friendship in motherhood needs to be a judgment-free zone. This can be our manifesto.. who’s with me?
Dear Fella Mama, I will not judge you for:
- Wearing the same outfit in a row. Let’s be honest, I wear the same clothes on the weekends. They’re the ones on the floor by my bed. It makes things easy.
- Giving me advice. I can take some advice. And I can give you some. Let’s agree to share this wisdom with some humility. Let’s not be know-it-alls, because until it’s all over, we really know nothing at all! But share your concerns with me, and if I have something to say, I will. If I read an article that might help, I’ll forward. I hope you’ll do the same.
- Working full-time, part-time, or not at all. I don’t care what you do, as long as you are happy. But if you’re not happy, let’s talk.
- DIY-ing or buying. I think it’s incredible that you can sew, grow or decoupage. And it’s gorgeous. You should really Etsy-that. But unless you want to have a craft party – with wine – I suggest we move on before my clumsy hands break something.
- Having throw up on your shirt. Let’s pretend it happened this morning. But it was probably there when you put the shirt on. And it will probably be there the next time you wear that shirt too. #dontwashtilitstinks
- Your weight. Is it really a surprise that I’m more concerned about my thighs than yours?
- Not wearing LuLu Lemons. In fact, I love you more for wearing $15 yoga pants in a sea of moms wearing $90 ones.
- Only wearing LuLu Lemons. Because after all, your butt looks fantastic. Seriously.
- What you feed your kids. Whether it needs to be organic or all nugget-formations, I’ll follow your guidelines if you follow mine.
- Your dirty house. In fact, I will feel closer to you for not cleaning your house for my arrival.
- Breastfeeding or bottling. We’re over that discussion, right? Thank god.
- The amount of help you need. You might stay home and have live in help. You might work and have no help what-so-ever. Everyone is just trying to get by. No one is a martyr. Let’s not dwell.
- Your parenting style. You can be the Tiger. I can be Permissive. And we can still be friends. Let’s just stick to parenting our own kids. But if I drop mine at your house for some “tough love,” I hope you’ll oblige.
- Judging me. Sometimes it’s just called evaluating. But I can forgive you if you once turned your nose up at my style. Because the thing is, you came back around (and turned that nose down). And we can move on.
It all just comes down to kindness and open-mindedness (and heartedness). The fact is, we’re all just doing what we think/hope/feel might be best for ourselves and our families, and sometimes the judgey exterior is protecting us from our own insecurities. So let’s be real. Dress and act, for ourselves, and the real friends will follow. You be you and I’ll be me, and if we can get to that next step in this mom-friendship, we will be guards down, no drama mamas. It’s just shameful.